I am fat. There is no way around it. I know, you all who know me know it its often pardon the pun, the elephant in the room. Now I know some of you reading this will tell me OH NO you are so pretty you are not fat you are beautiful. Yeah I know I am pretty nice to look at and it doesn't take away from me who I am but yes dear people who will praise me cause you love me, I am fat, and its ok to acknowledge it. I have dealt with self loathing for a lot of my life. I hide things well so most people don't realize that I was laughing with them but hating who I was inside. I deal with self worth issues a lot. Like I often wonder why Justin stayed with me or decided to go out with me in the first place. In our marriage we have had the weight discussion many times. And through out some of our roughest patches it was asked of me why does he stay with you you are well not exactly skinny. He could have anyone why choose you? Or my fave was when someone I was friends with told me that Her spouse wasn't a fan of me cause I was fat. Really he doesn't like me only based off my weight? WOW you sure got lucky landing him didn't you? People often have the inability to discuss weight or the unpleasant attitude that you need to be told often that you are fat.
Today I ran into two people who felt they needed to tell me I am overweight. But they did it in a passive aggressive way that just it really hurt me. And I was surprised it hurt me cause well since moving here I have become so self confidant I thought I was past this. I will talk more about that in a minute. But on to today. I was standing at the front door at work checking Id's to get in. There was a lady handing out Amway catalogs to people who I guess she felt needed them. She gets to me and shows me her id and said here it looks like you could use one these. I said thank you took the catalog and went on to check the next ID. When I looked down I saw she hadn't handed me an Amway catalog. She handed me a flyer for Amway's weight loss pills. If she had included the catalog I would have been like Hmmmmmm horrible positioning for her to hand it to me. But no catalog she just gave me a flyer. I felt like I had been hit in the gut. I am standing there with people milling around me having to smile through the hurt and be polite but inside I was crying. Then not even 10 minutes after that a younger guy and his buddy came out the door laughing and said here have this and handed me like a insert for like GNC weightloss and exercise supplements. REALLY? REALLY? TWICE IN ONE DAY? Was today just the day I should have stayed home? I managed to work through it and go on with my day.
It stuck with me all day though. Who in their right mind thinks its ok to tell someone hey here take some pills you need to loose weight. Let me assure you if someone is overweight they know it TRUST ME they know it and they know they need to do something to loose that weight. But you unless you know that person personally do not know if they are or they aren't doing something about it. To the two jerks who felt the need to rain on my parade today. I know what I need to do to loose weight and I am doing it. I am watching what I eat and i am exercising so you can take your GNC and Amway flyers and well politely shove them up your nose. HOW DARE anyone tell someone else what they should do cause you as an outsider felt the need to 'help' them. No its not helpful. It is rude as all get out and they should be ashamed of themselves.
I told you I have been feeling more self confidant since moving to Hawaii. Here in the islands it seem to me that its not the size of the person that matters which personally I think should be that way everywhere. Cause if you are overweight you are not fat you just have it. Your extra weight does not define you or make you who you are. I see people here on the beach who have such confidence with their bodies they don't care what they wear they go out and they enjoy their life and have not a care about what people think of them. Since moving here I have realized that my self worth is priceless. That my husband loves me more than words can say. He thinks I am pretty hot and well that is the only person who matters if they find me attractive. I don't have to be attractive for anyone but me, and well him cause well I like being that in his eyes. I recently did pinup photos and a few boudior photos. And you know what? I looked amazing. Maybe that makes me conceited but well I am allowed if complete strangers are gonna tell me I need to change then I need to be my biggest supporter.
My weight will change I will loose it or I won't. But no longer will my weight define me. And it shouldn't define anyone out there. People need to get over themselves. Skinny doesn't mean beautiful. Nor does it mean ugly either. People should stop putting so much stock in their outer beauty and work on the inner. Cause looks fade, but intelligence and inner beauty never stop.
